I used to really resent the hand I was dealt in life. On the one hand, I’d look at it and immediately itemize all the ways in which I could have it worse. Because let’s be honest, it could have been much worse. I’m not lacking for imagination here.
On the other it felt like the difficulty in seeing what had happened, the invisibility of the abuse as it were, rendered it that much harder to validate. Not only could it have been worse, but it wasn’t really that bad to begin with. In fact this was the line of my abuser: we had it great. Better than other people. We were better than other people.
Hard to argue with when you’re six.
I won’t lie and say I’m grateful for this. It’s easy for people to say things like “These are the things who make us who we are,” and “No regrets,” as if you can regret things over which you had no control to begin with. If I could go back and have a mother who loved and cared for me, a father who protected me, a healthy and supportive family structure beyond them, I’d take that swap in a minute. In many ways, it’s all I ever wanted.
But I cannot make that swap.
It took me a long time to accept the new frame here, which is that these experiences and the growth required to get past them has given me that much more from which to share. I have something to offer as a result. For a long time this was, at best, a silver lining to me. I can still see that perspective clearly. But I am grateful that I have something to offer. I do see how I can rely on myself, how strong I have always been and how reinforced that strength has become.
It hasn’t always been pretty. I have made many mistakes. I have many lessons left to learn. But I can embrace reality, which may seem initially and overwhelmingly bad at first. But that’s in the past. What stands before me is an open path to an amazing life that I have built for myself. That I will only continue to build for myself. And while that is a knowledge tinged with grief and all its sadness, it is also one for which I can be grateful and even proud.
This is a special series for Jay’s 40th year. To receive all posts straight to your inbox, be sure to subscribe.
