I struggle with my mistakes a lot because they trigger my oversized sense of shame. I’m trying to think of what it was that helped most with this, but honestly I think it ties back into what we’ve already talked about, and that’s finding safe people with whom to build relationships.
When we make mistakes it can trigger one of two feelings (or both, unfortunately): shame and/or guilt. Guilt is the natural feeling that comes when we recognize we’ve done a bad thing. Shame is the feeling that we are the bad thing. Guilt is healthy when we’ve done something wrong, but I would argue in most cases shame is unhealthy in that it misdiagnoses the problem as us, as if we’re broken and beyond repair.
Granted occasionally we are the problem, but we aren’t past fixing. Guilt motivates us to right things. Shame cuts us off at the knees and leaves us feeling helpless, despondent.
Shame spirals are something I’ve struggled with my entire life, though I didn’t realize that until I got deep into therapy (and the associated trauma literature, yay). That sense of being broken, unworthy of love, UNLOVABLE even, would drive me to self-loathing. Self-destruction. And the spiral would confirm that sense of brokenness, and that would only drive me deeper. I’ve hit rock bottom enough to know it has layers. There’s always another level to break through to, and they only get more brutal the deeper you go.
So maybe step one, from my experience, is seek professional help if you haven’t already. I’m a huge proponent of talk therapy and probably will be until I die. Step two would be to work on surrounding yourself with people who want what’s best for you. If you keep the people who shame you around, your going to keep feeling the shame. And step three would be to trust that when you apologize, it’s enough, so long as you learn from your mistakes and do your best not to repeat them.
None of us should be judged by our worst moments. Ideally we can judge ourselves based on our overall trajectory, and have grace for the bumps we hit along the way.
This is a special series for Jay’s 40th year. To receive all posts straight to your inbox, be sure to subscribe.
